The Rob and Eunice Wedding FAQ
Pardon, please, another day of personal indulgence. The news of our marriage came as, well, news to a lot of folks, including many who have known us for a long time. As a result, we’re getting a lot of the same questions, and rather than answering them one at a time, I thought it would be best to have a handy guide for the perplexed.
Q: What kind of ceremony was it?
A: We appeared before the Honorable Mariane Spearman, a King County judge, at the King County courthouse on Friday, July 8 at 4:05 pm, in the presence of two witnesses. “Maximum” Mariane said a few words, sentenced us to 25 to life and released us on our own recognizance. We were done by about 4:15.
Q: Did the bride wear white?
A: No, the bride wore black. I wore white.
Q: Were rings exchanged?
A: Yes, but let’s say the rings are symbolic in the extreme.
Q: Why wasn’t I invited?
A: We figured that if we invited anyone, we’d have to invite everyone, which was not really what we wanted to do. The only people in attendance were Wayne, who was present at our first date back in 1991, and Hubert, a close friend whom Eunice has known for many, many years, and they were there to perform the legal function as witnesses.
Q: I’m sorry, you’ve been together how long?!
A: Fourteen and a half years.
Q: So what took you so goddamned long to get married?
A: We didn’t want to rush into anything. We were pretty much happy the way we were and didn’t feel the need for “official” sanction to our relationship.
Q: So then why did you bother?
A: A bunch of reasons, some personal, some financial, some family-related. Eventually, we figured that if it didn’t matter that we weren’t married, it didn’t matter (to us, anyway) if we were married either, since we plan to stay together indefinitely in either case. As we discovered, it appears to matter a great deal to other people.
Q: Will you be moving in together?
A: No plans to do so at present. Perhaps if we ever find a place big enough for the two of us, in an area we want to live, that we can afford. Not bloody likely in Seattle at the moment.
Q: (coming in late) I must have missed something. Did you say you were together 14+ years, just got married, and aren’t living together?
A: How do you think we made it this far? We actually did live together once, back in the early days. It was very nearly the end of us. We moved out and miraculously, nearly all the nettlesome issues we were having suddenly went away. We currently each have our own units in neighboring buildings, about 75 seconds door-to-door. We find this works best for us, but it made it impossible to take advantage of domestic partner laws since we weren’t actually sharing the same address. That’s one of the reasons we got married.
Q: Will Eunice be changing her name?
A: No. Neither will I.
Q: So… planning to start a family?
A: As the Magic 8-Ball would say, “All signs point to no.”
Q: Not living together, no kids, no ceremony, no religious affiliation, no outward signs that you’re actually married… what exactly does being married mean to you anyway?
A: It means that we love each other first and foremost and that neither of us will be marrying anyone else for the foreseeable future. It means that we’re as certain as we can be that we’ll be there for each other the rest of our lives.
Q: Is there going to be a party?
A: Hell, yes. There are going to be three parties. In September, we are going to Eunice’s home planet of Wisconsin to celebrate with her family. In November, my folks are putting together a bash in Philadelphia. Then we’re having a shindig in Seattle in February.
Q: February? Why then?
A: It coincides with the 15th anniversary of our first getting together. That seems to us something worth celebrating.
Q: Is there a gift registry or something?
A: We’re working on it. It’s kind of hard all around since we don’t actually have a house together, which rules out most of the usual wedding gift-y stuff. Those with a reasonable expectation of being invited to one of the parties should await further instructions. If, by any chance, anyone else feels the urge to honor our union, we encourage contributions to the American Cancer Society, the National Parkinson Foundation, Planned Parenthood, or the ACLU.
Q: Were photos taken at the ceremony?
A: Yup.
Q: Can I see them?
A: Nope.
Q: Please….
A: OK, just one.
Q: Now that you’re a married man, will you stop staring at my butt when you think I’m not looking?
A: I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.
11:34:28 AM 
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